


They can hurt me

by silverwriter01



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 07:39:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverwriter01/pseuds/silverwriter01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of Johanna's life before, during, and after the Hunger Games.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They can hurt me

 

I never had much of an opinion of water as I was growing up. We depended on it and the sun to help us and the trees grow. I knew how to swim. Almost all children in District 7 learn how to swim in case we fall into a river or by the mill dam. We can’t swim like the fishes in District 4 can but we get by. It wasn’t until I was ten that I started to dislike water.

My father died when I was ten. He was a lumberjack. I remember his arms the most. How his muscles strained against his poorly made flannel shirt from District 8. How they would hold me, my older brother, and my mother. His arms around me as he taught me to properly swing an axe. He was even teaching me how to throw one. He was the champion at throwing in our region when we held our yearly trials.

The trials were the closest thing to a holiday we have in our district. It’s supposed to be where the teenagers now old enough for jobs compete against each other so the overseers can decide where to assign them. That is still part of the trials but we also have contests to see which of us were the best at climbing, chopping, throwing and other things. Finnick once told me that District 4 had the end of fishing season festival, Katniss mentioned dancing in 12. We had our trials.

My father was a good man. He never scolded me when I acted out as a kid though he probably should have. He let my mother decide on my punishments.  Said he couldn’t punish me for doing the exact same stuff as he had done as a child. My mother didn’t punish me too harshly either. They were both tired by the time I came along, six years after my brother with a miscarriage in-between us. I got away with more than I should have. It put a spark of rebellion in me that has never entirely been squashed.

It was an accident like most of the deaths in District 7. It’s amazing if someone lives long in our district. It’s usually one of three things that kill you in 7; tree, fire, or machine. You can toss in pregnancy if you’re a woman. It was a tree that knocked my father down but the water that killed him. He had been helping to herd some oxen down to the river. They released the giant pine tree to slide down the hill into the river where it would drift down to one of the mills. The giant log tangled with a few previously fallen limbs and one caught hold of my father’s pants. It pulled him into the water where the tree rolled on top of him. Sometimes, when I dream, I imagine him standing on the hillside. He’s wiping his brow, sweat dripping from his sun highlighted hair. Maybe he was wondering what we would have for supper. And then it’s just water. I see him thrashing as the tree pins him, as all the oxygen leaves his chest. Drowning is not an easy death.

I started avoiding the water after that, after we laid my father’s oak coffin in the ground. My brother, Don, noticed right away. He refused to let me develop a phobia of the water. He made me go swimming in the cold waters of our river in every spare moment we had. He told me that our father wouldn’t want me to be scared of anything. So while I didn’t like water, I could handle being around it because of Don.

The Reaping was a very scary time for me growing up. Don had to take the tessera after my father passed on. It wasn’t as easy to get food from the forest like my father knew how to do. Even it was just pine nuts or pecans; it helped with our growing bellies. We did go hungry quite a bit but lumberjacks burn a lot of calories so our district got more grain than others I suppose.

Don had his last reaping when I had my first. My mother cried as we both escaped death. Don proposed to the pretty apprentice carpenter he had been courting a year after that. He was a climber. He would climb to the top of the tallest, sturdiest tree he could find, cutting off limbs as he went. Then he would cut off the top and attach pulleys so they could use it as a spar. He was one of the fastest climbers around.

We all practice these things as children during our physical exercise period. We have practice axes that we swing continuously, building our muscle. They don’t teach you how to throw because that would look like teaching someone how to fight in a rebellion but we all learn to some degree how to do it. We learn to wrestle because lumberjacks like to tumble on their off times. We learn to climb. We pull heavy objects around on sleds. Right from the beginning, we are trained to work.

Women are never lumberjacks. The Capitol says we are too weak. We can be climbers, builders, papermakers, mill workers, or painters. I have no idea what I would have been if I hadn’t been reaped. I was okay at climbing but they only took the best. I sucked at building things when we had shop in school. I didn’t have the patience to be a painter. My mother was a painter. She painted or stained wood all day. They say she was pretty good, that she knew just how to work the finish so that it would come out smooth as silk. Papermaking smelled horrible and I knew I would rather die than be stuck in one of those factories all the time. Papermaking is where people go who aren’t good at anything. The lumber mill is where people go who aren’t good at anything but are smart enough to avoid losing body parts to the saw blades for a time. People who retire from the mill are almost always missing some part of their body.

I was good at swinging an axe but I would never be allowed to be a lumberjack. They stopped teaching us girls to swing axes by the time we’re thirteen. We did pick up other potential weapons like hammers or saws, but never the axe again.

I wonder if the Capitol never letting women be lumberjacks is why our District has only had two female victors, including myself. We’ve had six guys win though none around my age. The other woman won the eighth Hunger Games, the year before Mags won, but she died around the time I was born. That was also the year Blight won.

My brother and memory of my father made sure I always knew how to swing an axe. I would practice with any spare ones I could find, chopping firewood for the house or throwing them at trees in private. I did best with hand axes. I would practice them throwing on the run or while spinning. My mother never stopped me because there is always the lingering fear that your babies will be reaped. Her fear was found to be true.

I was reaped on my sixteen birthday. The reaping is a long process since my district is one of the larger ones. There is a pre-reaping in my district. The day before the official Reaping, they draw out about 3000 kids’ names. Then your name goes in however many times it’s been put in before and if you have drawn the tessera. My name had been placed inside ten times since I drew the tessera for me and my mom three times.

The day before the reaping if you have been pre-reaped, the Peacekeepers come to your door to round you up. You have thirty minutes to pick a potential token and pick out your best clothes to wear for the next day. Most kids are pre-reaped at least once or twice. Don was pre-reaped twice but he always got to come home. This was the first time I had been pre-reaped.

The Peacekeepers came to the door in their gleaming white suits. My mother’s hands trembled as she helped me pack one of her old dresses. She gave me one of her long wooden hair sticks as my token since we had nothing else small enough. My father had carved them for her from a piece of redwood and she had sanded and stained them to smoothness. She always twirled her long brown hair into a bun and pinned them in place with those sticks whether it was while she was working, cleaning or cooking.

“We’ll be there tomorrow and I pray we all go home together,” She said, tears in her eyes. I hugged her for a long time before leaving. I didn’t get to see my brother because he was working that day. All the childless workers have to keep working during the Pre-reaping and reaping unless you’re close family with someone who has been pre-reaped. Then you get excused to go to the Reaping.

It was a long, slow ride on the crowded train to the center of our district. They fed us a meager meal of cream corn and put all of us in huge warehouse. We all bunked on thin mattresses that night. The warehouse was warm with the bodies of three thousand kids. I tried not to look or talk to anybody, not even the kids from my region. I let myself stay numb through it all.

The next morning I was standing in square before the Justice building. I was wearing my mom’s dress and had her wooden spike keeping my long, brown hair in place. It seemed like another world when my name was called for the girls. I was in shock as I stumbled my way to the stage. I tried to find my mother and brother in a sea of onlookers but I couldn’t. My male tribute was picked. A seventeen year old boy named Nick Benson who looks like he’s been working as a lumberjack for years. I knew people would like him in the Capitol. He looked strong and tough. I didn’t know what they will think of me.

Soon it’s time to see our families. Don and Mom rushed in and Don took control of the conversation. “You have to win, Johanna. You have to play it smart. You are strong, sly, and clever. You can throw an axe almost as well as father could.”

“And every Career from 1, 2, and 4 can throw all other kinds of things,” I protested. Don gripped me by the arms and shook me. He refused to accept anything but me winning.

 “Johanna you have a fire in you that can beat all of them. Play it smart. Play like your weak and let them wound and kill each other out. Remember how they left that girl who went crazy alone last year because they didn’t see her as a threat? She won the games.”

I wanted to protest she want because she was from 4 and the dam had broken. That was a hard moment for me to watch on television. It was impossible to not think of my father as we all watched the other tributes drown except crazed Annie who could swim like a fish.

“Be weak, be stupid, and get away from everybody. Survive. Come home,” Don ordered me. He looked so much like my father at that point. My mother just hugged me tight and said, “I love you.” The Keepers pulled them both out of the room soon after. There was no one else to visit me.

I took Don’s words to heart. Some victors won by hiding until there was no one left. I could hide until there was no one left or until there was just a few. I mean I could stick an axe in a tree pretty deeply and humans are a lot softer than trees. I had lots of muscle though I didn’t look like it. I knew how to find water and gather in the forest. We weren’t allowed to hunt but sometimes we killed squirrels or beavers to eat. We know how to fish in the river. I just hoped Don’s plan would pay off. It did.

As we boarded the train, I started to cry. I mean I cried racking sobs. I just pictured the day my father died and it wasn’t hard. I whimpered all through the train though I made sure to eat plenty of the delicious meat and bread they served us. My father always told me that meat builds protein and grain gives you energy. Blight, who was in his late thirties, and Locust, who was almost fifty, were our mentors. Locust was my personal mentor and as soon as we were alone, he told me to stop crying.

“I can tell those are just for show, girl. You’ll need to do better if you want to fool the Gamemakers. The people in the Capitol will buy it though. You won’t get any sponsors if you play it this way. You’ll be all on your own.”

I sniffed, clearing my nose, “I can make it. All I want if I make it near the end is an axe, if I haven’t found one already.”

Locust nodded, “I think we can manage that if you make it.”

That is how it goes. I pretended to be weak and fragile during the entire time of training. I acted so painful shy that even the other, poorer districts look down on me. I didn’t go to any weapons station. I went to the edible plants station though I already knew a good bit from my time in the forest. I learned a lot even if I did pretend to try and eat poisonous ones. The trainer slapped them out of my hand and pronounced me an idiot. I play at making fires even though I already knew how. I made sure to fall while I climbing. The Careers were all laughing at me. The tributes from District 1 seemed very keen at making fun of me. Her name was Ruby and his was Flash, both blonde, gorgeous, and deadly. They only created a dark spot inside of me and I promised myself that I would be alive after they were dead.

I scored a two on my private session with the Gamemakers. They were being generous. All I did was pretend an axe and cry when I almost cut off my toes with it instead.

My interview with Caesar went awfully. He tried so hard to make me look good but I only looked like I was about to cry the entire time.

They won’t let me take my mother’s wooden hair stick into the games with me. They said it could have been used as a weapon. I hadn’t planned on using it as one but they did give me an idea. I decided to make another one in the games. It wouldn’t be beautiful as my mother’s though. I imagine if I had failed they would have sent it back to her with my body.

I had no idea what the arena would hold for me. I prayed for a forest. Three years ago it had been a frozen tundra and two years ago it had been a desert. Last year the arena had been large rolling hills with tall grasses and very few trees. A tiny creek ran by Cornucopia that was created by a large lake dammed up near the top of the arena. When the dam broke, Annie survived by being the best swimmer.

I prayed for a forest. My wish was granted. I was lifted into a forest much like home but it was lightly snowing. This was going to be a problem with covering my tracks. The golden Cornucopia lay in front of me but I knew better than to go in there. There was a small pouch about fifteen feet away that I contemplated going for. I decided against it and ran the other way when the gong rang.

I took great cares to make it seem like I was running stupidly away into the bush. I left a lot of tracks going one way but then backtracked. My hope was that the Gamemakers and Capitol were too busy watching the bloodbath to pay much attention to me.

I found a large red oak tree with shrubbery around it. I caught a glimpse of a nook behind the shrubs and parted the bushes to look. I could just barely fit inside of it. I started gathering things to wait out my days. My first job was to make it look like I hadn’t been in the area so I smoothed of the snow as best I could. Then I found pine boughs to stuff in my nook. I also found pine nuts when I was collecting the boughs and stuffed my pockets. I then found a large piece of loose bark to put over most of the entrance.

The cannons went off. I counted twelve dead. I would have to wait and see if Nick had been one of those to die that night. I was sure the Careers were all alive. Now certain the cameras were on me, I started to sniffle and occasionally wiped my eyes. I wished for gloves as I worked in the cold. I hoped I could make it through the night because I had a feeling they were going to drop the temperature.

I crawled into my hole and waited. I watched the night sky as they showed the tributes. Surprising, one of the tributes from 2 had died during the fight. Nick wasn’t among the dead. I hoped he died without me having to kill him. I didn’t want to go back home with that blood on my hands. I was sure I could handle the others.

I waited two days and three nights as six more people died. Nick was one of those who died which I was grateful for. I feigned being hungry during that time though I got by on snow and pine nuts. My hope came when the career split apart and went off searching for people to kill. Ruby killed the remaining tribute from 2 not far from my tree nook. She ran off to let the hovercraft collect the body but I crept towards the body. I took his knives but left his sword. I had practiced throwing knives as well as axes in my spare time. I was nowhere near as good as the Careers but I could hit a target.

The first thing I did was take a small limb from the red oak and carved it into a slender stick. Red oak is a pretty tough wood when it’s dried so it takes me awhile to peel and shape it. I then bundled up my hair and used the stick to pin it in place. I grinned up where I was sure there was a camera and set about finding the others. I wonder what’s going through everybody’s heads.

The only tributes remaining were Ruby, Flash, the boy from four, and the boy from five. I had to make my way to them.

I found the boy from four near a stream. He was fishing. I’m not quiet or stealthy. Not like Katniss is. He just didn’t hear me over the water. I threw my knife, hoping it would find its mark. It did. He died a moment later and the cannon sounded. After they took away his body, I ate the fish he had just caught on his line. I had no problem eating the fish raw. We did it all the time back home to keep the Peacekeepers from thinking we were getting too much food. We would eat them by the bank and throw the bodies back in the river for the next generation of fish to eat. I threw the remains of the fish in the water and set off towards the Cornucopia.

I had no idea if anyone is waiting there. I was betting that the other Careers had scattered and were searching for each other in the woods. I found the Cornucopia badly damaged as if some stampede of animals had gone through there. There was none of the food left from all the piles I had seen on the first day. I would find out later that a herd of mutts had been released, killed two tributes, and eating all the food.

I didn’t care about the food. All the weapons were still intact. In a wooden case I find what I’m looking for. I don’t know if Locust had anything to do with it but it’s the perfect size hand axe for me. It had a large blade that was razor sharp. It was perfectly balanced in my hand and I was about to give it a test throw when I heard something behind me.

I react rather than think. I spun around and threw with all my might while at the same time falling to one knee. It’s a good thing I did because three knives flew right over my head, right where my chest had been. My axe found a new home in the head of female tribute from District 1. Her blood was as red as her namesake but it doesn’t take long to clean it off the blade on her clothes. I smirked, “Not so weak and helpless now am I?”

As I move away from the body, I heard two cannons fire. This made me pause and I realized there are only two tributes left in the game. It’s either Flash or the boy from 5 whose name I can’t remember. My money was on Flash being the only one left. I was also willing to bet that he thought Ruby was the one killing all the others.

I suppose I could have just waited at the horn but I wanted to go ahead and get this over with. I had a feeling the Gamemakers did as well. As I started walking back into the woods, a silver parachute landed in front of me. My first and only gift. I opened it and found a hot piece of steak and large, buttery roll. It was really the best gift I could have asked for since I already had my axe. I imagine it cost a bit at this very last moment in the games. The later the games, the higher the costs of gifts.

I put the steak in the roll and start chewing as I walk. I listened and watched for anything out of the ordinary. I finished my sandwich but still no sign of the other tribute. I peered around the forest, almost certain the Gamemakers would have brought us together by now. I realized my mistake too late. I know the woods. I know what the woods look like in winter time. I had looked right at the tree and didn’t recognize the camouflage suit some sponsor must have given him until four seconds too late. I was about to spin and throw but he was already behind me.

Flash was bigger and stronger than myself. My head fit right under his chin as he wrapped his arms around my neck and head in a choke hold. I had stupidly let my axe fall when he attacked and my hands clawed feebly at his arm, trying to break his hold on me.

I let myself go limp as my brain frantically tried to think of a way out of this. I could almost feel the smugness coming off of him. He must think it was a piece of cake to kill the crying tribute from 7. I refused to give him the satisfaction of winning.

My hand reached behind my head but he ignored it as a last attempt to scratch his face or gouge his eyes out. He simply turned his head away out of my reach. This is perfect for my plans as I grabbed the slender stick out of my hair and jabbed it hard into his neck once, twice.

Flash staggered as he lets go of me, his hands going to his neck. My aim must have been good as blood poured over his fingers. I find my axe on the ground and finish him off. It wasn’t that hard. His neck was the tree and I just gave it a nice, solid chop. Timber.

Claudius Templesmith’s voice rang out my victory over the forest and I knew I needed to put on a good show. I raised my hands in triumph and the blood from my axe dripped down on my face. As the hovercraft came to get me, I threw it right into the heart of the closest tree.

The next week or so are a blur in my memory. I was hardly damaged from my time in the arena. Just a little malnourished. I was made to look even better than I did before. I do remember wanting to kill my stylish but that’s hardly a new thought for me. The dense woman has dressed my district like trees for decades. However she did manage to find me a shimmering dress that’s the color of the fall leaves that made me look heavenly.

My interviews with Caesar are easily forgotten. I acted smug and fierce. At least I think it was an act at that point. I discovered quickly that the Capitol loves a good show and a good actor even more. I had played their game and played it well. They all loved me. I could do almost nothing wrong. So I acted even more hot-tempered and rebellious. The citizens loved it. Little did I know it was putting me more and more on Snow’s blacklist.

My life changed so quickly after that. I went home where I was greeted by hundreds of cheering people. My mother and Don hugged me so tight. I moved into the Victor’s Village which was about two hours away from my other home. Don and Mom couldn’t come live with me since they had jobs in our region. Everybody works in our district until the Peacekeepers deem you unable to work.

 I was covered in riches and wealth and I hated every moment I was away from my family. I made almost daily train rides to see them.

It wasn’t long before I noticed how people were acting around me. At first I thought they stood back in awe. I quickly realized it was fear. The Games had shown how vicious and quickly I could kill. Without mercy, without hesitation.

I started sauntering after that. I was not ashamed of what I had done. I had done it to survive. I didn’t want them to know how much their looks hurt. People hadn’t liked me before the games, they hardly knew me except as the occasional troublemaker, but they never looked at me like that.

I might have handled people’s looks if it hadn’t been for the way my mother started acting. Oh she loved me and was thrilled to have me home. But what she saw her baby do changed her. She never said anything but it was the little things. She stopped pinning her hair up with wooden sticks. She couldn’t look at me when I would hold knives while helping her cook dinner. She refused to have me chop wood for her.

It damn near broke me. I didn’t go see my family for a week as I raged around my house. I got drunk for the first time and stayed drunk for a few days. It was Locust who came to check on me first.

The old man walked with a limp and a gnarled hickory root cane and he walked into my house without knocking. I guess he heard me throwing bottles of alcohol I had purchased from a bootlegger at the wall.

His cane nudged at some of the glass on the floor. “You’re going to need to hire someone to clean this up for you. You don’t seem like the cleaning type.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I snarled. “Now get the fuck out of my house.”

Locust ignored me, “It’s called a victor’s breakdown. Most of us go through it. You need to start acting again little girl. You can’t let them see you like this. You’re the Capitol’s new favorite. You’re this district’s hero. Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let it show. You have to start acting again. Abrasive is fine, fierce is fine. This is not fine. This is going to get you or your loved ones killed. Start acting again.”

I ignored most of his words at the time. It took a screaming match with Don about how the world hates me to bring me back to reality. I can’t even remember what he said to bring me around, but it was something only Don could say. Something so sarcastic or snarky that it made me laugh. I wish I could remember it.

As I cleaned up my house, I realized I had been so stupid. I thought the Games were over when I left the arena. I hadn’t known that the real games had just begun for the rest of my life.

I slowly rebuilt my relationship with my mom and strengthened my relationship with Don. I even visited Locust a few times. I didn’t see much of the other victors. Blight did give me a little bonsai tree as a moving in gift. It was how he spent his time apparently. I thought it was stupid but did remember to water the damn thing every now and then.

My victory tour came and went. It wasn’t until it ended at the Capitol that my life turned upside down again. President Snow invited me to his mansion before the large festival that night in my honor. My insides were water but I kept my face solid.

“It is a pleasure to sit down and get to talk to you my dear,” Snow said, gripping my hand. The stench of blood and roses is overbearing but I tried not to show it.

“Likewise, President Snow.”

A servant brought us tea but only Snow drank it. I balanced my cup on my knee. He smiled at me, “You are very popular right now. Very popular indeed. Almost as much as Finnick is. Have you met him yet?”

I shook my head. I knew of the blonde, god-like victor from District 4 but we hadn’t met yet. I assumed I would meet him next year at the games when we would both be mentors. Being a mentor was a thought I tried to keep pushed out my head.

“I think you’ll enjoy each other’s company,” The President said. “Now it’s time to inform you of the other duties a victor must uphold.”

My stomach twisted because I didn’t like the sound of his voice. I asked without intending to, “What other duties?”

“Victors are desirable creatures, Johanna. The Capitol needs you to share your desire with a chosen few. It shouldn’t be so hard for you, considering how wonderful an actress you are.”

It was such an elegant way to tell me that they want me to become a whore. To be their fucking prostitute. I had heard that people like Finnick and Cashmere had many lovers in the Capitol, making them even more popular victors. I never realized they were the Capitol’s whores. That all victors were made to do this.

I wasn’t going to have it. I was a virgin at the time and wasn’t going to let some sleazy Capitol citizen have my first time or any other of my times. I smile as I feel the rage bubbling up inside of me, “I’m going to have to politely decline, sir.”

Snow laughed, “Most of them say that. Do you know the only living victor from District 12? Haymitch?”

I didn’t know Haymitch then but I don’t reply. He doesn’t wait for me to, “He is a victor just like you. He has all the wealth and items he could desire. But he doesn’t have anyone to love. No one he cares about. Don’t follow in his footsteps.”

“I have a fitting to get to. It was nice chatting with you,” I said, quickly leaving. It wasn’t hard to put what he was trying to tell me together. If I didn’t whore myself out then my loved ones would suffer.

Snow didn’t order me to visit anyone during the remainder of my Capitol visit. I knew I shouldn’t have hoped that he had forgotten me but part of me did hope just that. Little did I know that since I had slighted him I was already going to pay.

I came home to find Don waiting for me at the station. He was all in black and his face was etched in sorrow. I started shaking my head as he reached out for me. I think I screamed into his shoulder as he whispered the words to me that our mother was dead, killed in a fire at her factory. I cried for days.

The next week Locust died. They say it was a heart attack and that he was just old, but I didn’t believe it. Snow was sending me a clear message. There was only one person left in the world that I cared about. He knew I would do anything to keep Don safe.

A month after Locust died, my telephone rang. It was some assistant at the Capitol telling me I was invited to visit for a few days. I wasn’t stupid. I knew this was my first appointment. I numbly agreed. I loved Don and couldn’t let anything happen to me. To remind myself why I was about to screw some disgusting citizen of the Capitol, I went to visit him.

His fiancée, Bethany, was with him at the house when I came over with dinner from my pantry. She was very pretty and very charming. Her hair and eyes were as dark as mine but her skin was a golden tan. Oriental was a word some people used to describe her type of looks. We’re all just lumber folks to me here in District 7. She was perfect for Don. The times we had spoken before Bethany had perfect sarcastic replies to my own cynicism and even made me laugh once or twice. I liked her and that only endangered her.

That day my heart twisted as I realized she could become someone the Capitol used against me. I shut her out. Don noticed immediately while Bethany thought I was having a bad day.

“Why don’t we go for a walk, Johanna?” Don asked. He didn’t wait for me to answer and headed out the door. I followed, demurred. We walked to the water’s edge, near a small rapid where it would have been harder for someone to listen in. He rounded on me, “What’s your problem? Why are you treating Beth like that? I thought you liked her?”

“I do,” I muttered. He grabbed me up by my arms and I noticed his strong muscles, much like our father’s. Don studied my face for a long time before asking me, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

I struggled to not tell him. He was the only thing I had left. Don was worth however many firsts or lasts I could give. But I couldn’t stop myself. What they were asking me to do was so horrible that I had to tell someone.

He listened, stone faced. I hoped he would tell me something that would make what I was going to do seem okay. That he would give me permission or something. Don just pulled me close and kissed my forehead. He whispered, “Be who you need to be, Johanna. The rest will take care of itself.”

It doesn’t really sooth me but I couldn’t ask more from him. We walked back to the house holding hands. I headed home to the Victor’s Village and packed for the trip to the Capitol. The train was going to pick me up the next night.

I was outside chopping wood when a group of older men come into the village around midday. They took off their hardhats in my presence and with a sinking feeling, I recognized them. They were part of Don’s crew.

“There was an accident, Ms. Mason,” The foreman said, stepping forward. “One of Don’s hooks must have slipped or something because he fell this morning when he was topping a tree. It was a pure accident ma’am, but he was really high up. I’m sorry but he’s dead. Dead before any of us reached his side. I don’t think he felt much pain.”

The men quickly retreated back as I lifted my axe. I’m not sure what sound I made but it most have been terrifying. All the men fled at the sound of it. I flung my axe at the house. I knew it wasn’t an accident. Don was too good to have an accident. He did it on purpose. He killed himself so there would be no one left for the Capitol to use to hurt me.

I don’t know how I managed to go back into the house and dial the Capitol. I asked for President Snow but the best I get is a secretary who will take a message. I said, “Tell President Snow that I will not be available to make my appointment. I will be attending my brother’s funeral and this will cause problems with any other future appointments.”

The woman stammered as I hung up on her. I must have growled it or something because I don’t know why she would be scared. Maybe she was scared to deliver the message.

Making funeral preparations were too easy for me at the point. I took care of Mom’s and Locust’s funerals. Don’s was just as simple. I paid the coffin maker for a plain coffin. I hear the citizens of the Capitol spend exorbitant amounts of money for fancy coffins but we all know what happens to wood in or on the ground in my district. It all rots. Just like us.

Funerals are always early in the morning or late in the evening. The Capitol doesn’t give you the day off to mourn. At least not for normal people. Victors have all the free time in the world to mourn. I envied that about everybody else. They had other things to keep them busy. Victors don’t have jobs. They have hobbies to awe the crowds for a year and they’re left to their own devices. Most don’t have kids. Their children are almost always reaped if they do have them. Victors are supposed to represent all the hopes and dreams of the districts. In reality it’s just another level of hell.

My brother’s funeral took place late in the evening so anyone who wanted to attend could. Bethany stood close to me and if I had been a normal person, I would have held her or let her hold me. She tried to take my hand once but I violently shook her off. The look of hurt on her face only made the pain in my chest ten times worse. She had loved Don, probably almost as much as I had. For his sake, I had to make sure no one ever used her against me. I would have a lot of practice being a bitch over the next few years.

They asked me to speak after they lowered him into the ground. I shook my head no for fear that I would cry. I knew there were cameras all around. The last thing I wanted to do was give Snow the satisfaction of seeing me cry for real. Bethany spook though.

“Don was one of the best men I knew. He was strong and caring. His sense of humor might have been strange to some but he made me laugh. He always seemed to know what to say or when to give a physical touch. I loved him,” She choked out at the end, covering her mouth to keep the sobs in. I wanted to go hug her. To show her how much I appreciated her words. I couldn’t though. Instead I just walked out of the cemetery and went home.

A few days later, on her off day, Bethany visited me in the Victor’s Village. I was in my backyard, throwing my axes and knives around. I spent most of my time training like I was going back into the games. It was the only way I knew to keep sane.

While she didn’t mean to, she snuck up on me. I heard the noise behind me much like I had back in the games. In a flash, I was back there. I spun around and started to throw my axe at her. When I realized it was Bethany, I jerked my arm at last moment. The axe flew past her head, missing by inches. I was horrified and angry at myself and her all at the same time.

She gripped her chest and screamed, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” I shout back, storming up to her. “What insane person sneaks up on a victor? I could have killed you!”

“I noticed!”

We both stood steps away from each other, breathing deeply. I was still in shock at what I had almost done and I’m sure she was trying to come to terms at how she almost just died.

I finally glared at her, “What do you want? What are you doing here?”

Bethany ran a hand through her hair and took a shaky breath, “I just wanted to check up on you. To see how you were doing.”

“I’m peachy-keen,” I said with a smirk. “Just freaking perfect. Now leave.” I made sure to be emphasis on each syllable, hoping she would get the message of how much I didn’t want her there. To drive the point home, I turned my back on her and started walking away.

She caught my arm and turned me back around. Her hands gently cupped my face. “I miss him too. You don’t have to grieve alone.”

For a few heartbeats I’m still and I suddenly panic, thinking I had waited a few too many. I shove her back with both hands, sending her stumbling to the ground.

“I know what you’re trying to do and it won’t fucking work,” I snapped. “Just because you were fucking my brother doesn’t mean I’m going to take pity on you. My money stays with me. My food stays in my house. Go find somebody else to leech off.”

She looked so shell-shocked and hurt, laying there on my yard. Like I had truly hit her with an axe. It soon turned to rage. I knew she wanted to lay into me but I cut her off, “Leave now before I call for the Peacekeepers.”

I don’t know if I would have called for them or not. It would have gotten her whipped in some town square for certain if I had. Bethany decided to leave instead. I watched her walk away, practically trembling with rage. I muttered, for the sake of anyone listening, “Fucking gold-digging bitch.”

The reaping came sooner that year than I had wanted it to. As the only female tribute in Distract 7, I’m made to go as a mentor. Buck, a Victor who won about five years before Blight did, is the other mentor. He’s a slobbering alcoholic and will be of no use. I wasn’t sure of how much use I would be either.

The two kids reaped are both under thirteen and as I talk to them on the train, I realized they had no skills. They are as normal as any district 7 kid. They can swing axes but not well. Decently strong but not enough to make people notice. They probably would have gone on to work in paper-making factories. They were forgettable in every way and yet I still remember their names. She was Cypress and he was Matthew.

I mentored them both since Buck was too drunk to focus. The train ride to the Capitol was very quiet since I don’t have much to say. After learning their lack of skills, I only had one order for them. “Eat. Enjoy the food.”

They ate like they’re starving which they probably were. I grew up in a slightly better household than most. I knew what it was like to be a little hungry after dinner but my father could provide food from the forest. Most of the other workers who stay inside don’t have that luxury of foraging for food. You can’t eat paper or wood stain.

I wanted to join Buck in drinking but I had to maintain a resemblance of control. I spend a long time in the shower that night, letting the hot water beat over me. I disliked water but I had come to enjoy hot showers for the heat against my skin.

I’m flooded with interviewers at the station asking me about my tributes. I smirked for the camera, “You never know what’s in store.” The Capitol loved my acting.

The week up to the games is a blur in my memory. I offered a few words of advice for the kids and I do butter up potential sponsors for them. Several people offered to sponsor my tributes the entire way if I spent the night with them. If I had thought my tributes had a decent chance at winning, I probably would have fucked those people to save one of them. But they didn’t have a chance of winning.

Both kids scored low on their private session with the Gamemakers. The media pondered if they are trying to copy me. I knew the truth.

The arena was a swamp. The boy died in the bloodbath at the Cornucopia. The girl was killed that night when she stumbled into an alligator hole. I watched, sick enough to throw up, as she’s torn limb from limb while being drowned. It was then I realized that the Capitol needed to be stopped. That the districts needed to rise up and fight off the Capitol’s rule.  Only I didn’t know how to start a rebellion or even find other rebel-like people. That would come later.

After my tribute died, I walked out of my mentor’s booth to answer questions from the crowd. They wanted to know what I thought of their deaths, who I thought was going to win, and who had designed my wonderful shirt.

Some stylist had picked out my clothes to wear. The shirt went down to my thighs and it was a slinky material. I liked it since it was a soft green color. However, their questions had made me upset. So I did the only thing I could to make them upset.

I laughed, rather roughly, “I absolutely do not know who is going to win nor do I know who designed this shirt. But one of those things we can find out right now.”

I whisked the shirt over my head and held it out for one of the interviewers to take. Several people dropped their microphones and some dropped cameras. Almost everyone’s jaws came unhinged when they discovered I wasn’t wearing anything under the shirt. I never needed too. My boobs are small but perky. The Capitol had given me one of those treatments that make you flawless and I worked out constantly so I knew my body looked amazing.

“So who designed this?” I asked, offering my shirt out again. Someone weakly reached out and checked the tag. They muttered some answer and I nodded sagely.

I grabbed my shirt and tossed it over my shoulder. I called out as I walked away, “Thanks guys.”

I walked around the curved corridor that held the mentor’s booths, shocking everyone I passed with my tits. That’s where I met Finnick for the first time.

He walked out of his booth as I walked by and smiled at me. I think I stopped to talk because it truly was a smile instead of a stunned look or leer.

“I was able to catch a glimpse of you on the screen before they cut away on the monitors. They are much better in person I must say.”

“Thanks,” I said, sauntering up to him. He was one of the most gorgeous men I had ever seen but it did nothing for me. I had already begun to suspect that I was gay.

Being gay isn’t looked down upon in the districts, for the most part. If you do make a partnership with someone, you are still required to have children. Most gay couples adopt from District orphanages. However, I think most gay people don’t get married or live together officially. It’s one of the few ways you can get away with having sex without getting someone pregnant or having kids being reaped.

“Shouldn’t you be watching your kids,” I asked, leaning against the wall near him. He smiled, “The boy is dead but the girl might have a shot. Mags is watching over her now.”

I knew who Mags was. She was the oldest living victor. I wondered how she did it. Not winning in the arena but made it through so many years with what she had done. How she kept mentoring year after year.

“I’m surprised Annie isn’t here.”

Finnick shrugged, “She doesn’t have the head for this kind of thing.”

He wasn’t in love with her yet. That would come later, slowly and softly. He would tell me bits and pieces over the next three years. Finnick had spent the past several years learning secrets from all the people who paid for him. He knew where it was possible to hide and talk without having someone listening in. Only briefly though. We were still very popular people so if we were gone too long, people would start to notice.

All that would come later. At that moment we were still strangers. Still, it was relaxing to talk to him. He was a victor like me and a popular one. They would never kill him off unless he committed an outright act of rebellion. He was someone I could talk to without risking his life and that made him so alluring. I think he felt the same about me. I was someone the Capitol couldn’t use against him. I wasn’t part of his family that he had to protect at all costs.

“You missed your appointment in the Capitol earlier this year,” Finnick said, casually. “You and I were supposed to have dinner with a nice husband and wife. We missed you greatly.”

My stomach twisted at what he was implying. My first time would have been with him and some old couple. I felt like killing myself when my first thought was how glad I was that I didn’t have to go through with it. The thought implied I was glad Don had killed himself. It made me sick and I no longer felt like talking to Finnick.

“My brother had just died. He was the last of my family, of anyone who mattered.”

A bit of his blonde hair fell forward as he nodded. “I can understand that. Mags is the only one I have left. I guess you could say I have to take care of Annie as well.”

It all made sense about him now. Everyone he cared for was so vulnerable. He had no choice in what the Capitol made him do.

He moved closer, “You know me and you should hang out sometime. I bet we would have lots of fun.”

“Sounds like a plan, Blondie. See you around,” I said to him with a wink before I walked away.

That night I go to the Victor’s bar. It’s where previous victors are allowed to drink and socialize in peace. There are some people from the Capitol inside. Either they came with victors or they paid serious amounts of money to get inside.

I sat at the bar drinking beside Haymitch for a long time without knowing who he was. After a while he peered over at me and held up his glass in honor, “Nice tits. You really know how to stick it to them.”

I smirked as I clicked my glass against his, “Apparently you and I have that in common.”

He shrugged, “That’s a shame. See you around.”

I watched as he went off to join a large dark skinned victor who had just walked in. I started looking around the bar, studying the faces of people who had accomplished what I had accomplished. In the spur of the moment, I made the decision to have sex. I wanted my first time to be something on my terms.

The pickings were sparse. Cashmere and Gloss were sitting in one corner of the room, with a few beautiful Capitol citizens around them along with other Career pack tributes. I considered Cashmere for a while. She was beautiful but I caught her glaring at me a few times. I got the feeling she didn’t like me. Probably because I had escaped what she couldn’t. Fucking with her probably just would have been a battle.

I had just decided against the two District five female victors when in she walked. She was over six feet tall and had a face that no one could forget, in a good way. I remembered her from the Games though I wasn’t old enough to actually have seen her game. Lyme was from District Two and in her forties. She had won her games nearly 28 years before me.

I don’t know why I chose her that night. It was something about the way she carried herself. Even though she was from District 2 and had probably been in a Career Pack, she was different. I would learn how different she was later.

She went straight to the bar instead of going over to where other Career pack victors were camped out even though they called out for her. It amazed me to see how many victors actually volunteer to come back to the Capitol even if they weren’t mentors. Most of them were from 1 and 2 though. That’s where the largest pool of victors was from. She ordered a shot of whiskey which she downed in one go.

Lyme had no intention of talking to me though she did give me a slight nod. Little did she know that I had chosen her. I moved around to sit beside her and waved for the bartender to bring us both another round. She turned to face me, studying me as I studied her. She was old enough to be my mother. Hell she was older than my mother. Her blonde hair hadn’t been touched by any grays but I could see the years etched around her eyes. Still she radiated strength in a way that no one else in the bar did. I wanted that confidence.

“I saw you on TV earlier. Nice tits,” She said, glancing down to where they were currently covered. I was pleased by her attention but her look didn’t send fire raging into my soul or anything.

“Do you wanna get out of here and go somewhere?” I asked, running my hand down her arm.

Lyme’s brown eyes studied me again before she politely asked, “Don’t you have appointments?”

I was getting damn tired of people asking about me being a whore but I didn’t want to take it out on the woman who would be my first. So I forced a laugh, “No. I’m a free agent from now until forever.”

She seemed to understand and I knew she felt sorry for me. Luckily, she didn’t show it on her face. Instead she took my hand, “Let’s go.”

I was suddenly flustered though I tried not to show it. I walked as if I had all the confidence and sex appeal in the world. Lyme made very little small talk on the ride back to the Victor’s apartment building, where we all stayed during the games.

We didn’t hold hands as we walked inside and went up the elevator. We didn’t even talk. When we got to her place, she ordered the Avox to bring a bottle of whiskey and then disappear. The red-headed mute did as Lyme asked.

She walked over to a long L-shaped couch and motioned me to sit next to her. I did, unsure as what to do next. I had a general idea of the concept of sex but was rather clueless. It wasn’t like there was a sex channel on my personal television.

“So what do you want to do?” Lyme asked, taking a sip of whiskey straight out of the bottle before passing it over to me. I took a sip as I considered my answer. The alcohol in the Capitol was smooth compared to the stuff back home.

“You, me, sex.”

Lyme’s twitched in a smile, “I figured. Do you have any demands?”

Who the hell makes demands for sex, I thought. I shook my head no. She understood that I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about.

She took me into the bedroom where she dimmed the lights down low. Her large hands cupped my face. “Do you want to kiss?”

I nodded. I had always figured kissing was involved in sex. Lyme wasn’t my first kiss or anywhere close to the first. I had a kissed a few boys when I was younger and even a few girls for ‘practice’. I had liked the girls better. Lyme was better than all of them but I suppose that was from years of practice. I practiced with her.

She went very slowly with me, taking her time and letting me adjust to everything. It took time to make my body respond, almost an hour. I liked her and found her attractive but I was so nervous. I would have been fine going through the motions just to have said I had had sex but Lyme was determined I would enjoy my first time.

Under her calloused hands and sure hands my nipples puckered and wetness grew between my legs. I started muttered curses as her head moved between my legs and I felt her tongue tease me. I was so scared to have her down there but my body felt flickers of pleasure when she licked my clitoris. Lyme very carefully slipped one of her fingers inside of me and I felt my whole body clench around her.

Soon my hips were moving in rhythm with her tongue and fingers. One finger became two. I found myself getting more and more excited but something was keeping me from the famous orgasm I had heard about. I was beginning to think maybe I couldn’t come.

Lyme lifted herself up on one elbow to look at me. “Johanna, you need to relax. Don’t focus on what we’re doing or why you’re doing it. Think of something calm like water.”

Water. Flashes of nightmares shoot through me. My father drowning, Cypress being torn limb from limb a few hours ago.

Lyme felt the change in me instantly as my whole body tensed with fear. She quickly backtracked, suddenly unsure of herself, “Okay, not the water. Think of the woods. That’s what you lumber heads like right? The woods.”

A laugh is forced out of me while I made myself relax. I could imagine the woods. Lyme suddenly removed her hand from me and started moving up the bed. I wrapped my legs around her, pulling her back against me. “Where are you going? We’re not done.”

 “I’m just getting the remote,” She chuckled. Before I could ask, she grabbed the remote beside the bed and pointed it at one of the walls. The whole wall changes to look like a thick, evergreen forest. I’m lost in the imagery of it instantly. I barely felt Lyme kissing her way back down my body but when she reached back down between my legs, we find I’m wetter than I was before. I imagine both of us are really in the forest, that we had snuck off to make love. It worked. Soon, I’m grabbing her blonde hair as my eyes shut, my back arches, and pleasure explodes between my legs.

I came back down to earth to find myself lying next to Lyme as she was studying me yet again. I laughed, “I can see why people wanted that from me.”

“It was definitely something worth seeing,” The middle aged woman agreed. I rolled over onto my side to look at her, doing my best to look sexy, “So shall we continue this?”

She arched a brow, “Are you ready again so soon?”

I laughed again, “No. I’m going to need to rest my lower bit for a while but I was talking about you.”

Lyme shook her head, brushing her hair out of her face, “No thanks, Mason. It’s not something I would enjoy.”

I bold upright, insulted. “Hey! I might be new to all this but I’m pretty sure I could rock your world.”

Lyme sat up, holding her hands out in surrender, “No, no. I don’t mean you in general. I mean everyone. I don’t like sexual contact for myself. We have a term for back in my District. We call those people ‘stone’. It’s just what I am. I’m happy to do others but I don’t want anything in return.”

I pulled the sheet up to cover me a bit, mulling over what the older woman had said. Part of me was relieved but mostly I was disappointed. Women’s bodies had always interesting me and I had wanted to explore Lyme as well as she had explored me. I quickly put on a mask and hopped out of bed.

“Well thanks for the first time,” I said, putting on my clothes. “It was fun. You’ve obviously done this before.”

“I’ve only done this for two other victors,” Lyme confessed. “And only a few times back in my district. Only with women.”

“Well I’m sure they had a good time.” I was still rather furious and upset by the whole situation.

She got out of bed and walked over to me. For someone who didn’t want to be touched, she had no problem with her body. I was sad that I wouldn’t get a chance to touch her because it was really an amazing body.

“Mason, it’s really not you. A lot of people are like this back in my district. They kind of train it out of a lot of us.”

Later, when we were alone without fear of cameras or mikes, she would tell me a bit more. They really did train sexual desire out of them. Some were able to regain it later but some never did. Some people were trained harder than others. Lyme had been caught making love to another girl in the training academy. Since Lyme showed promise of being one of the best, she was conditioned to never ‘want’ again via beatings. She never saw the other girl, her girlfriend, again. Her girlfriend had probably been killed.

I could see why she turned to stone to avoid being hurt again. It was easy to imagine Lyme’s life as my future.

I was quiet for a long time. Finally I smiled a real smile and said, “It’s fine, Lyme. Really. I need to get back before the cameras track me down. Let’s have a drink tomorrow.”

She smiled back, “I’d like that.”

The girl from District 4 won that game. It was a swamp and she was part fish. Finnick was showered with admirers for his superb mentoring. I headed back to 7 for another year. I spent the next year chopping wood and carrying huge stacks of it on my back around town at night. Before going home, I would drop the firewood off at several poorer families’ houses. Not everyone has time or the energy to chop wood all day like I do. Every bit of help I can give the people of district 7 keeps me sane.

 The Peacekeepers questioned me often. I merely tell them I’m keeping in shape and like doing it at night away from all the people. They bring up curfew a few times but I talk my way out of it.

The Hunger Games came too soon for my liking. The 73rd arena was a desolated, ruined city. The boy from District 1 won. It was a horribly bloody game. My mentors, Julia and Ash, were both killed very slowly.

I spent more time with Finnick since the game lasts almost a week and our tributes die within the first two days. He introduced me to more victors, pointing out who to talk to and who to avoid. Lyme was one of his chosen. I share a drink with her again but not sex.

We hide away sometimes. We tell each other about our homes and families. How I have none and how his is Annie and Mags. He gave me bits and pieces of how he came to love her.

“I can hear her screaming in her house. I don’t sleep in my house often. I usually sleep in a hammock in my backyard. It started off as a mere desire to sleep when I broke inside and woke up her. I talked her back to sleep and went home. I started doing it more and more often, not just at night. All she wanted from me was my voice. No desires, no demands. It was nice to be needed in such a simple way. She’s really not crazy or mad. Just gets lost in her head sometimes.”

“We swim a lot, to keep busy. I finally got her to swim again and she was even better than me. It was amazing to watch her.”

“One day, out on the boat, she made me stop working to put sunscreen on me. All the time I have people touching or rubbing some crap on me. All out of sex or desire. She touched me because she wanted to take care of me. Wanted me to be protected from something as simple as the sun. No one had done that for me since Mags.”

“I kissed her under a full moon, when I couldn’t stand it anymore. I felt like such an idiot, like it was my first time. Stupid, I know. My first time was a hundred times ago. I apologized and started to walk away. She caught me and kissed me again.”

I was so jealous of how he had someone to love and I pitied him at the same time. The Capitol made him go through five or six clients during each game. He was often recalled to the Capitol throughout the year. I wondered how they handled it with their relationship. Finnick never mentioned it and I never asked.

Another year goes by. I take up axe carving. I make badly shaped spoons, ladles, and bowls. I can get the roughed out shape with the axe but then I have to refine it with knives and gouges. I cut myself more times than I can admit. It’s rather embarrassing. Most of the things I made I burned. But soon I make some that aren’t so bad. I even take a few on my night runs to deliver wood and leave them with piles. One can never have too many spoons was my way of thinking.

Our oldest living victor in our district died that year. His name was Ivan. Since he had no one, I took care of his funeral. Now there were only five victors left alive in 7.

The games come again far too soon. I stood with my other victors as the boy and girl were reaped. Willow Hadden and Jay Shin. _Jay Shin_. _Shin_.

Shin is not a popular last name. I only knew one other Shin and that was Bethany Shin. I studied the boy closely, who was 17. He did favor her but surely the world didn’t hate me that much. Only I was fooling myself. I knew Snow hated me that much and that the world revolved around him.

We went to the Justice Building where we waited for the tributes to say their last goodbyes before boarding the train with them. My fears were confirmed as I saw Bethany leave Jay’s room with tears running down her face. When she saw me, she ran straight towards me.

The grip of her hands left bruises on my arms. “You have to save my baby brother! You owe me! You owe me!”

The Peacekeepers pulled her away and I knew I would do everything I could to keep that boy alive. Jay Shin would win the 74th Hunger Games if he had an ounce of fighting skills to work with.

I jumped right into the mentoring role. I was pleased to find he was strong and had been close to becoming a lumberjack. Willow was also 17. I hated myself because in my eyes, she was already dead. I had chosen Jay. The girl knew it told when I told her to enjoy the food.

I watched the recap of the Reaping with them. I point out the dangerous Careers. I knew Glimmer, Marvel, Cato, and Clove would be dangerous. I brushed off all the lower districts except for 11’s Thresh. The recap was the first time I saw Katniss. I didn’t think much of her threat wise but I did admire her for volunteering for her sister. The town’s reaction also made me pause. The three fingered salute was something completely different. Had never been done for the Games before. The reporters made fun of it but it stirred something inside of me. This girl had created a small act of rebellion without even trying.

As soon as we got to the Capitol, I tried to sale the boy’s traits as much as possible. After the training scores were released, he was given an 8-1 chance of winning which is pretty good for my District. Willow got 7-1 odds and an 8 on her private session. It made me wonder if I shouldn’t count her out just yet. I made myself promise that if the boy died, I would help her win.

I was stunned when the girl from 12 received a score of 11. That was only reserved for the strongest of District 2 tributes. I found myself talking to Lyme and Finnick later that night at the bar. I was surprised to see Haymitch wasn’t there as he always was. That made me worry. It meant he was actually trying to mentor this year.

“My tributes are not happy with the girl on fire,” Lyme said, taking a sip of drink. Finnick shrugged, “She’ll probably die in the bloodbath.”

I had my doubts about her dying so soon but kept them to myself.

“I hope she does, for her sake. Cato and Clove are already conspiring about how to kill her,” Lyme replied. She set her drink down heavily, “These kids get stronger every year but they also get more unstable every year. Started with Enobaria I think.”

I shrugged the disgusting feelings out of my shoulders. That shark-toothed woman gave me the creeps.

My tributes’ interviews are forgettable, especially after District 12. Katniss truly became the girl on fire but Peeta Mellark knocked everybody else’s interview away. He was in love with her. She became the most desirable person in the Capitol. Star-crossed lovers they called it.

My tributes died in the bloodbath and I know one person back home is cursing my name. The weight of mentoring crushed me. I had told them both to get the hell out of the bloodbath but they hadn’t listened.

We all can’t help but to watch the games this year. It’s too interesting not to watch. Peeta joined the Careers to save Katniss who had just escaped an inferno. I watched Haymitch go around, talking up sponsors to save her. He was doing an okay job but the medicine to repair her burns will cost a severe amount of money. He was running out of time. She was pinned up a tree with the Careers camped out underneath her.

I went to the VIP room and found him chatting up several older and richer citizens. He’s very pressed for time since we all could see Katniss trying to clean her wounds with water. I don’t know why I decided to help him out. I move over to where he sat in the middle of the crowd on a set of couches and sit myself between an old man and woman, both hideous in their Capitol fashion. I put on my actor’s mask.

“Haymitch, pleasure seeing you here. Your tributes are doing really well.”

He studies me with dark, gray eyes. I’m sure he’s trying to figure me out. “Yes, they are. I was just talking to these people about supporting their young love. If you watch, Peeta is keeping watch over her right now.”

Peeta was keeping guard. His love story hadn’t been an act.

A waiter came over and I accepted his offering of champagne. It wasn’t a moment later of ideal chatting before it ‘accidently’ spilled all over my top.

“Oh my god, this will never do,” I said, pulling my shirt off. Suddenly I have everyone’s attention around us. I handed my shirt to a waiter with orders to have it clean. I don’t bother cleaning off the drops of champagne on my breasts.

I leaned against the woman on me while letting my hand rub the man’s thigh on the other. I whispered into her ear, “I really think you should support these two tributes. They are special. You have keen eyes like me, I can tell.”

The woman was so flustered that I’m surprised her makeup didn’t melt off from the way she was blushing. Haymitch pulled out his transfer pad and handed it over to her. She pressed her thumb to the pad and typed in what I felt was a very generous amount. I turned my attention to my other side.

“Wouldn’t you agree that the love of someone so young is worth helping?” I squeezed his thigh to emphasize my point.

I think he was too busy studying my tits to really get what I was saying but he donates twice as much as the woman did. Haymitch soon left to return to the mentoring booth and I head back to my apartment. Both citizens try to come with me but I gently shut them down, alluring to other appointments that I have never had. They respect this and left me alone.

 My tributes’ deaths won’t let me sleep that night so I wondered back down to the Victor’s bar. Finnick was there. He was dressed up and drinking rum heavily. He must have just gotten down with an appointment.

We ran off to find a private place with no monitoring.

“He was twelve,” Finnick muttered, rubbing his eyes. “Twelve and cute as a fucking button.”

He’s talking about his male tribute. Both of his tributes are dead too.

“Mine was my dead brother’s fiancé’s little brother.”

“Good times.”

“The best,” I quipped.

“Johanna, there are rumors of a rebellion. Just faint secrets I hear,” He said, turning to me with serious eyes. “What do you think?”

“Where do I sign up?” I replied without hesitation. Rebellion would mean death, lots of death, but there already was lots of death.

We left our hiding place soon after that. The games went on and ended with a shocking result. Both Peeta and Katniss had survived with an outright act of rebellion. I doubted she loved him like he did here but she acts decently enough.

I was left with so many feelings about the girl on fire. Part of me admired her but part of me hated her. She would get to go home to family, friends, and a love while I would go home with two dead bodies. I didn’t want to face Bethany for fear of what she would say.

It turned out she didn’t say anything but the look she gave me when her family collected his coffin was something that cut through me.

After those games, everything changed. People became more restless. Katniss had started a fire throughout the nation and now everyone wanted to rebel. News would get back to me about small riots in other villages. Peacekeepers flooded in and my night runs were cancelled. The more the Peacekeepers tried to keep control, the more bad things became.

The day the Victory Tour came to our District, I was closed inside the gates of the Victor’s Village. Apparently they didn’t want us socializing with the two victors causing a stir. This made me more furious.

My world came crashing down when the Quarter Quell announcement came on. My howl of agony and rage matched others inside the village. I was the only female tribute in our district. I was going back into the games. My world dissolves into an alcoholic wasteland for the next few days. I dream of Don, Mom, and Locust. I watch my tributes die all over again in my memories. How could they do this to me again? I knew a lot of other tributes. If I wanted to keep living I would have to kill 23 people that I knew.

Katniss Everdeen was one of the tributes for certain. I knew instantly the Quarter Quill was because of her and Peeta. Snow was trying to kill them off and the rest of us victors who might start a rebellion.

_Finnick. Lyme._

I couldn’t breathe as I thought of those two. I couldn’t kill them. I tried to pacify myself that they might not be picked but somehow I knew Finnick would be chosen. He was too popular. This was all a very convenient way to get rid of popular victors. I drank the rest of my illegal alcohol and pass out in my living room.

Blight and I were reaped. Before we leave the stage, the people in the crowd kiss their fingers and saluted us. It confused me at first. Why would they do that? Then I realized it was because of her. It was a symbol of thanks, admiration, and goodbye. Or so I was told. But it was also a sign of rebellion. I took it as the former. I knew I would never step foot on District 7 again and wanted to remember that moment. Being loved by my district and seeing all the trees around us.

Something about Katniss Everdeen irked me the moment I truly laid eyes on her. She was so virtuous that it hurt. I was also jealous of her outfit as I was stuffed into a horrible green costume and took the chariot ride I never dreamed of repeating. It doesn’t help that I thought she was very attractive.

I knew Finnick had ruffled her feathers by flirting with her and I watched Chaff kiss her. I briefly wished I had gotten to do that first. I decide to one up them all by stripping completely naked in front of everyone in the elevator. I make pleasant talk with Peeta while we ride up into our training center. I was highly amused to see Katniss occasionally looking at the way Peeta’s glowing costume reflected off my breasts. She just kept holding onto his hand but I could tell she was getting very upset with all of us.

Blight went straight into his room and refused to come out. Buck and Harrison, who came as our mentors, left to go drink. I was so furious when I was told that we wouldn’t be allowed to go to the victor’s bar any longer. I would never get to see Lyme again. I had wanted to tell her thanks and goodbye.

I knew as soon as I heard I would be going back in the games that I wasn’t going to make it home alive. There was nothing to come back to and I didn’t want to live after doing it all over again. Finnick was my choice to survive. He could go home to Annie. I had watched as Mags had volunteered for her and my heart broke. I could never kill Mags. She was a wonderful person.

I spend the next day in training just trying to disturb the Gamemakers. I strip down naked and oil myself up for a wrestling match. I just couldn’t help myself. The trainer was a pretty woman who was so disoriented by my nakedness that I pin her several times. I honestly think she let me win. I enjoyed myself as much as possible. There were very few moments left to enjoy. I do show off with my axe skills, smirking when I catch Katniss looking at me.

It was her turn to smirk when we all watch her shoot. Except she didn’t. That made me hate and like her more. I didn’t think I could kill her to save Finnick.

My plans changed once Finnick and I talked. We were able to sneak into a private place where he told me about the plan to rebellion and escape the arena. Apparently District 13 was going to get the Mockingjay and start a rebellion with her as the figurehead. We were responsible for getting Katniss out alive or the plan would be abandoned. If we got her out, then we would all be able to escape along with her. It was a plan that made my heart beat vigorously. It was a chance to live and fight the Capitol.

The only catch was that we had to keep Peeta alive as well. Protecting two people would be hard. Katniss had already let Haymitch know that the only people she wanted on her team were Volts, Nuts, and Mags. Apparently I hadn’t made a good impression. Finnick confirmed this with a laugh, “Apparently we haven’t made good impressions on our Mockingjay. I’ll have a way in with Mags but if you want to convince her you’re on her side you’ll need to get District 3 to her.”

My jaw drops. “Nuts and Volts? Seriously? Why don’t you just attach a 400lb log behind me while you’re at it? Would be easier to get that thing out of there alive instead of those two.”

Finnick laughed. “I’m just delivering the message.”

I went around even more pissed off at Katniss after that. It was such a tall order. Yet my anger for her quickly transferred to Snow when I see what he made her wear. He put her in her wedding dress and it sickened me. I didn’t know if Katniss really loved Peeta or if it was all just a play, but that’s just disgusting.

I walked over to her and straightened her pearl necklace. “Make him pay for it, okay?”

I don’t think she understood at me at the time but as I watched her interview, I knew Cinna had made Snow pay for his decision. He had turned Katniss into a true Mockingjay. The sign of hope and rebellion.

Of course Peeta made the crowd explode in only the way he can. Katniss is pregnant. Whether she is or isn’t, I don’t really know. Nor did I care. The next morning the games would begin.

Even though the games are so recent, it’s still mostly a blur. Right now, I only remember bits and pieces.

Blight and I got Wiress and Beetee out of the bloodbath alive. He died in the forest when blood covered us and he hit the force field. I drug the other two back down to the beach. Nuts was about to drive me nuts when we stumbled across the others.

“Tick tock. Tick tock.”

I snapped and pushed Wiress down onto the beach. Then Katniss had the fucking nerve to get in my face about it. I slapped her. “Who do you think got them out of that bleeding jungle for you? You…” Finnick picks me up and washes me in the water while I scream every insulting thing I can think of about her.

I hold onto Katniss’s hand, trying so hard not to lose her as the Cornucopia spun around and scream when I do. Luckily, she’s not dead.

The Jabberjays filled the air but none of them are screams that affect me. All the people I love are dead. They had no one to record.

Katniss made me laugh and smile during the games. Laugh and smile the way Don used to make me with such dry, sarcasm. Whether she knew it or not, she became my ally at that point.

Finnick and I both realized that Beetee’s plan was really to escape. Finnick patted his arm before we separated to take the coil down to the beach and I nodded. We had to get the trackers out of our arms if we hoped to escape.

I used the coil to knock Katniss to the ground and cut her arm open. I was terrified at that point since I didn’t know anything about the anatomy of a person’s arm and it was her shooting arm. I just hoped I didn’t fuck her up too badly. I had to work quickly with District 2 so close.

Then the world exploded and the Capitol captured Peeta, Enobaria, and me.

Now here am I, telling the story of my life to myself. There’s not much else to do as I wait. There are only three options down here: scream, catch your breath to scream some more, or listen to other’s screaming.

I now know the sound of Peeta’s screams very well. I pray he’s dead when I hear these awful sounds of like several animals dying all at once. Yet I hear his screams start up later. I know he can hear mine as I spill all the secrets I knew.

I thought I could be strong. I thought I could not tell them a single word because they couldn’t hurt me anymore. I was wrong. They can hurt me and do so, often.

I know they brought in Annie but they don’t seem to be torturing her. The lucky bitch can just disappear into her head anyway so she wouldn’t have felt any torture if they did. I don’t have that luxury.

They striped me down naked and beat me with rubber flappers when I first came to this hellhole. My naked body, once the only way I could rebel, was bruised beyond recognition. They were also starving us but I didn’t mind that so much. They keep my head shaved clean so it doesn’t get in the way of the torture.

I don’t know how they found the best way to torture me but they did. They use this torture on me all the time now. They have straps around my arms and legs, making it so I can’t move. Then they lower me horizontally into a long tank of water and leave me there until I think I’m just about to drown. Just like my father drowned. Then they lift me out of the water onto a grounded table where the electric sponges come out. They know just how to shock me enough that my body is completely in pain but I won’t die. Apparently they screwed up on another woman and they didn’t want to risk that with me. I think President Snow likes having me down here to torture continuously.

I start worrying for Peeta more and more. His screams have started turning into mental ones instead of physical ones. I have become the expert of discerning screams. I hear others often enough to tell.

I know I am dying. I can’t remember the last time I ate and I pray it comes quickly. They keep me tied up so I can’t kill myself. Not that I have the energy to do anything but scream. I feel like I’m about to pass out and I let myself go, hoping death will be waiting. But the sounds of gunfire and explosions bring me back to life. Someone has broken into our torture center. 

 

* * *

 

_After the Rebellion_

 

The walk up to my house is different than it used to be. There are carts rolling dead bodies away, rebels and Peacekeepers alike. The victor’s village looks to be untouched.

I was caught up to speed by Commander Florence, a grizzly bear of a man who was in charge of all the rebel forces in District 7. He and a few of his guards are going home with me. I think they are technically an escort. I am still ‘mentally unstable’, just like Katniss and Peeta. I wasn’t detained as severally as she was but I was forced to talk to therapists pretty much all day. That was a torture in and of itself. Once her trial is over, I am able to go home.

I am told me that the Peacekeepers HQ took up base in the village while fighting the rebels. The houses were left mostly untouched which can’t be said for the rest of my district. As we flew over, I could see several places which had been firebombed. My home village was gone, along with all the surrounded woods.

“The riots started there,” Florence says, looking out the window with me. “You were their victor. They started as soon as the games started. The majority of the rest started as soon as the Mockingjay was lifted out of the arena.”

“How many survived?”

“About a quarter made it out of your village. The Capitol was trying to send a message.”

Just like District 12.

It almost seems ironic that I come across a hastily sprayed bit of graffiti on the village’s stone walls. “If we burn you burn with us.”

Several people have taken up residence in the Victor’s Village now. People who were important to the rebellion: doctors, nurses, high ranking officers. Blight’s home, which was the closest to the gate, is now a clinic.

Florence couldn’t tell me if someone was living in my house. Guess I’ll have to find out the old fashion way. I go up the steps and try the door. It’s locked and I don’t have the key any longer. I’m furious enough to break in a window when the door opens.

“So our victor returns.”

I spin around to see Bethany Shin standing in the doorway. I am left speechless which seems strange to me since I felt like I haven’t shut up since I was taken to District 13. I was either needling Katniss through military training, being made to spill my guts to therapists, or telling people bits of my torture to see the horror on their face. I needed something to shock them. My scarred body doesn’t do much for them anymore.

I run a hand through my two inch hair. It’s growing back in, but slowly. I had planned on kicking whoever it was out of my house but this is the one person who I never expected to see.

“I got my stuff packed up. I’ll go share with one of my fellow officers,” She states.

Officers?

As she bends over to get her duffle bags, I stop her. “Wait. You don’t have to go.”

She stops and arches a brow at me, “Where will you sleep then?”

Why am I so damn flustered? I manage to get out, “I mean we can share. It’s a big house with lots of rooms. We would never even have to see each other.”

I guess the comforts of my home wins out for any detest she has for me. She grabs her bags and heads back inside, up the stairs. I spend a long time trying to reorient myself to the house. Things have changed. Peacekeepers were living inside so lots of things were messed up and then cleaned up. I guess Bethany was the one to do the cleaning.

I start to panic when I can’t find any of my personal things. My few family photos aren’t on the mantel. My carvings aren’t lying around on the tables. My axes aren’t hanging in the kitchen. I figured about the axes but those photos are the only thing I have left. I run upstairs to my room and find everything spotless. My mother’s hair sticks aren’t on my dresser, nor are they in the drawers. My clothes are missing.

I crumble to the floor when I realize everything is gone and there’s nothing left. I don’t cry. I hate water too much to cry. I just lay on the floor, wondering if it would have been better if I had died.

A knock on the door startles me but I don’t answer. They continue to knock until I shout at them to go away. That’s when Bethany entered the room.

I roll over to my other side to avoid looking at her. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me like this here.

“Here. It’s all I could manage to find and save,” She said and I hear the sound of something being put on the floor. Curiosity takes hold, along with hope, and I roll over to see a box.

My heart jumps into my throat when I look inside and see my family photos. There are only three of them but they were the most important thing to me in the world. One was of my mother and father holding Don as a baby. The next was of the three of them holding me. The last was of Don and I when of Don, Mom, and I just after I won the games. My carving knife is in the box as well but that’s all it holds. I feel tears threatening to fall for the first time in a long time as I look up her.

“Thank you. Just… thank you.”

She nods. As I clutch the pictures to me, I can’t help but ask, “How did you find them?”

Bethany tells me a tale. Our village started rioting on the first day of the games. Bethany led a few of the fights but then got word the Capitol was going to kill the remaining victor. Figuring they could use Nathan as a figure head, she and a small group raced for the Victor’s Village but the Peacekeepers were already entering his house.

It was a spur of the moment decision to enter my house. Every able, rebel hand needed weapons and she recalled seeing quite a few throwing axes and knives at my house. They raid my house for any usable items including weapons, food, clothing, and medicine. When she saw the pictures on the mantel, she knew she couldn’t leave Don behind. So she made room in her backpack for them and took my carving knife as a close weapon blade. They only had time to raid my house before escaping by the skin of their teeth.

Bethany was more than a carpenter, she was a planner. She created blueprints for furniture and houses and she could also device plans for battle. She rose quickly in the ranks and that’s how she found herself staying at my house when the battle was over.

“I’ve tried to clean up the filth the Peacekeepers left.”

I lay back down on the floor again, whispering my thanks. She leaves me alone. Eventually I get up and start putting away the few items in my duffle bag. The only thing of value is the clean, white bundle of pine burghs Katniss gave me. I have replaced the leaves often and use the smell to keep me from going insane.

Bethany and I create a tentative relationship over time. We live together and ignore each other as days pass into weeks, weeks into months. She spends most of her time helping to rebuild what was loss while I join a logging crew. My fellow crewmates don’t know how to treat me at first but after a week working with them, they’re my buddies. They say anyone who can curse and swing an axe like I can is clearly one of the ‘guys’.

I slowly start overcoming my fear of water. I start with placing my fingers in teacups and move up to doing dishes. Bethany is happy to have one less chore to do around the house. I work my way up to washing myself piece by piece with a buckle of warm water. One day I take off my boots and dip my feet in the river. I grit my teeth and count to sixty before I allow myself to take them out.

Months go by and I receive a letter in the mail. Inside is a picture of Finnick and Annie’s newborn son. The letter says Annie hadn’t decided on a name yet and wanted my input. I have no idea what to call the bugger but it makes me smile to think that part of Finnick lives on. I send back a letter with one word. “Sharky.”

In celebration of the boy’s birth, I take a bath for the first time since just before President Snow and Coin died. It’s an incredibly long process. It takes me twenty minutes of standing naked in the bathroom to turn on the damn knobs. I only turn on the hot water and it burns my skin as I jump in the tub. I scream and not just because of the temperature.

Bethany’s at the door, shouting. She wants to know if I’m okay. I scream at her to go away as I grip the sides of the porcelain hard enough I think they might break. I keep looking at the white, bundle I brought in the bathroom with me to keep me sane. It helps but then it doesn’t. I feel like I’m being lowered into the tank again. Soon they’ll lift me out and start shocking me.

“Stay focused,” I grunt, kicking my legs and splashing water all over the place. That helps. My legs were never free to kick while they were torturing me. “Focus.”

“Johanna, I’m coming in.”

“No!”

She comes in anyway. I would splash her with water except I’m afraid if I let go of the sides of the tub I might fall down inside and drown. Her brown eyes take in the situation quickly.

I sneer, “Like what you see?”

It was a ridiculous question. My body is covered in electric burns and scars from where they got out a few knives for variety’s sake.

I don’t think she knows about me and water, but maybe someone told her. After all, she is living with an official ‘mentally unstable’ person. Instead of answer my question, she opens up the cabinet under the tub and gets out a box I’ve never seen before. I have to wonder if it was always under there.

She sprinkles some into the tub and in minutes, the top is covered in foam bubbles. It’s a bubble bath. I’m in a bubble bath. The whole thing is so unbelievable that I find myself relaxing. They never tortured me in a bubble bath, that’s for sure.

Slowly, I’m able to let go of the sides of the tub and start to wash myself with a bar of soap. Definitely not a sponge, I’m not ready for that yet. Mybody becomes clean. Only thing left to do is my hair but I brought a cup for that purpose. Not ready to submerge myself in the tub either.

Bethany stays in the bathroom but under the pretense of reorganizing my bathroom counter. When the bubbles start to fade, I make movements to get out. She politely leaves, “Meet me in the kitchen please.”

I get dress and go downstairs. She’s at the kitchen table with a bottle of moonshine and two cups. Bethany pours a bit in each and pushes one cup towards me. I find myself taking it but can’t figure out what we’re drinking for.

She lifts her glass, “To your bath.”

“To baby Sharky,” I cheer instead. At her curious look, I show her the picture of the baby and she smiles.

I’m suddenly filled with the need to make amends.

“Bethany, I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you since Don died. It was because…”

She interrupts me, “You don’t have to talk about it. I figured it out over the years, though be it slowly.”

“How?”

A sad smile crossed her face. “Don was too good to fall. I realized he must have committed suicide which only left me to wonder why. It had to be a very important reason as to why he did it. The only answer was he did it to protect you.”

“He did it to stop me from becoming the Capitol’s sex slave,” I blurt out, old hatred boiling to the surface. It’s the first time I truly said it, not just hinted at it. “They killed Mom and Locust. He was left and he did it to save me. I cut you off so they couldn’t use you against me either.”

“And Jay?” The question slips out of her mouth before she can stop it. She doesn’t want to know and I don’t want to speak ill of the dead. But I owe her the truth.

“I told him to run. To get away. Maybe he saw Willow staying to fight and decided to help her. I don’t know. I was prepared to fuck all the sponsors to bring him back to you. Sadly I don’t think it would have worked out in the end. It was always going to come down to Katniss and Peeta,” I say before drinking the alcohol in my cup. She drinks the rest of hers and sets it off to the side. We go in different directions.

Months change into years. Slowly, she becomes my friend. She’s able to make me laugh and smile again and I never want things to change. Yet I do want things to change. I want to be with her completely. I find myself wanting to kiss her and make love to her. These thoughts upset me since she had been engaged to my brother and has never once shown the slightly sexual interest in me.

I think she knows I have developed feelings for her but I can’t be sure. Bethany just continues to slowly bring me back to the world. Five years have passed when she tells me she’s moving out to live with Thomas. He was a soldier in her rebel group and they have been seeing each other for the past year. They are going to get married. How did I miss such an obvious thing?

With Bethany leaving, I know I can’t stay in District 7 any longer. It was stupid to fall for her. I think that’s like the rule number one for gay people: don’t fall for a straight person. It’s also a rule we all break. It’s probably for the best she married someone else. I would always be wondering if I had betrayed Don if we had gotten together. So I go on a long exploration of the districts.

I only spend a few weeks in District 1. There is nothing for me there and all the beautiful, blonde women remind me of the two female tributes I killed; Ruby and Cashmere. I meet Cashmere and Gloss’s younger sister who is as beautiful as they were. Her name is Velvet. Such stupid names they give their children here.

I stay two years in District 2. Something about the mountains and being close to where Lyme lived is reason enough to stay. I meet several people who fought with her and they tell me how she died in an attempt to save more workers from the Nut. I spend some time with Gale who is working on redoing the entire country’s defenses. The media tries to make it seem like we’re becoming a couple but we have nothing in common but our anger.

I don’t leave until they have finished the life-size statue of Lyme. Then I kiss those stone lips and move on to another district.

I’m shocked to find that Wiress has a son. He’s as old as I am and I have no idea how he escaped the games. His name is Micro and he looks just like her. Even acts just like her. Thank God he never said ‘Tick tock’ or I would have lost my mind. I don’t stay in 3 long.

I arrive in District 4 and go straight to the Victor’s Village to see Annie and the baby. I’m stunned to find the cute little baby in my picture is now six years old and as energetic as Finnick ever was. He was running around in the yard holding a stick in one hand and a rope in the other. His blonde hair sweeps across his forehead just the way Finnick’s did. It’s breathtaking and heartbreaking at the same time.

“Halt!” He orders me. When he points the stick at me and I raise my hands in surrender. “I am Prince Meg and this is my sea castle.”

“Meg?” I blurt out. “Isn’t that a girl’s name?”

Did she name him after Mags?

He stamps his foot, “No. It’s my name.”

“Can’t I call your Sharky?” I ask. He ponders this for a minute and nods. Annie comes to the door to see what the fuss is about and surprises me by running to give me a hug.

“Johanna, it’s great to see you.”

We pull apart to look at each other and I’m shocked to find her with a bulging stomach. “Are you…are you…?”

She covers her belly with a protective hand, “Yes, I am.”

“Who is the dad?”

“Finnick.”

“What?”

Annie smiles, “Let’s go inside and I’ll explain. Megalodon, its dinner time. Leave your toys outside.”

Meg complains but does as he’s told.

Annie tells me how some old citizen at the Capitol had frozen some of Finnick’s sperm after one of his appointments. When it was discovered after the rebel takeover, the government offered it to Annie. She was already pregnant with Meg and didn’t know if she wanted more children after him. A few months ago she decided she did want more children and became pregnant with Finnick’s second child.

“What’s with the kid’s name?”

She laughs, “It’s because of you really. When I got your letter, I remember a story that Finnick told me once. He would often tell me stories when we lay together in our hammock or bed. It was a story about an old, giant shark who was the king of the ocean a long time ago. It was called the Megalodon.”

 I guess I’m glad she called him ‘Meg’ over ‘Don’. I would never be able to call the kid that. I don’t call him Meg either. I call him Sharky.

I spend the next nine years in District 4 living with Annie and Meg. Hell Annie needs the help keeping up with Sharky and Biter. His name is really Triton but he liked to bite when he was little. Sharky is almost 16 and I have to beat the girls and a fair share of guys off him with a stick. He’s even more handsome then his father was though I don’t know how that’s possible. Biter is quieter, like Annie.  He’ll also be a looker.

 I do go travel to the other districts when I feel the itch get in me but I always come back to 4. Sharky and Biter are what keep me there. Annie is fine, I guess. She still goes off in her head sometimes but Sharky can pull her out just the way Finnick could. Mrs. Everdeen lives in the village as well. She recently opened up a school to train healers for local areas in a district. Special kids come from all over to learn.

I was so angry at her when I first saw her here. I kept wondering how she could abandon Katniss in District 12. Katniss never comes here and she has never been back out there. Then I realized, in all my travels, I haven’t gone back to District 7. Some places are too hard to go back too.

I had just come back from my month long visit to District 10 when Mrs. Everdeen received the news. The look on her face was priceless. Hell, the look on my face when she told me was priceless. Katniss was pregnant.

“I’m going to be a grandmother,” The doctor whispered. She seemed ready to faint and I move to catch her before she fails. She doesn’t but it’s a close thing.

The woman is practically glued to the phone after that. If she isn’t calling Katniss, Katniss is calling her. Apparently our Mockingjay is terrified. I don’t blame her. I would be too.

One day when Mrs. Everdeen comes round for her weekly dinner at our house, Annie says what we all think, “You should go to her.”

A look of terror crosses the doctor’s face. Biter, in only the way he could think, says, “Let’s all go.”

“Yeah,” I say, setting my knife down. “It will be fun. A family outing. 12 is the next to hit on my list anyway.”

Annie is as keen on leaving as Mrs. Everdeen is. Still they both put on brave faces and when we get to District 12, Katniss is only a few weeks away from popping. The amount of crying that goes on at the train station is ridiculous.

She looks older than I remember. Lines have set around her eyes. Peeta is the same. I guess we all look older now. It has been 15 years.

Katniss and her mother cry, holding onto each other, for what seems ages. When they let go, she hugs Annie and they cry for a bit. She pauses at me, not sure if I would appreciate a hug, and I stun both of us by hugging her first. She starts to cry again.

Katniss tries to stop them as soon as they start. “It’s just hormones.”

“Remind me to never sign up for them.”

She laughs and I feel good about myself.

We all stay until the baby comes. I chop firewood outside to keep busy as Katniss screams inside. Peeta and her mom guide her through the whole thing. The look of terror on Katniss’ fades just a bit when she holds her baby girl. I notice it when I walk in to see them.

My mind wonders what name they shall give her. The past is full of good names for them: Primrose and Rue. They are also names of sorrow so I am glad when they give her a name not associated with the past.

“Her name is Amber. It’s a shade of color that I see in the sunset,” Peeta announces proudly. He named his daughter after the color orange, I thought. I’m already thinking up nicknames.

“Amber Mellark,” Annie says, relevantly, “It has a nice ring to it.”

We all head back home a week after the baby is born. I actually didn’t want to go. Except for Haymitch’s damn geese, I like District 12. The forests are different than mine but familiar in the same way. I often go with Mrs. Everdeen on her frequent trips to visit young Purple. Oh the look Katniss gave me when I called her daughter that was worth the punch in the arm she gave me.

One day I just decide to stay in District 12. Annie never needed me except as the occasional babysitter though she insists we’re family. Sharky and Biter do call me Aunt Jo. Now they’re growing up and moving onto their trades. Annie has slowly been talking to a fisherman around our age. He lost his wife in the rebellion. She doesn’t love him the way she loved Finnick. I doubt she ever will love anyone like that again. But he provides companionship that even I can’t. Why is it my luck to live with women who grow to no longer need me?

So I move into Peeta’s house since they live in Katniss’. He uses it to paint and bake. I don’t mind sharing. I start working with Sean, the only guy who fetches trees from the forest to make lumber. Katniss complains that I’ll destroy the whole forest but I tell her District 7 has been doing just fine for centuries. It’s not like Sean and I can cut down and split more than three trees a day anyway. We have to go way out into the forest to collect them so not to upset Ms. Everdeen.

I don’t do it for the money. The Capitol sends all of us remaining Victors a little allowance to keep us out of trouble. I cut down trees every other weekday and play with Purple on the other days. She loves to dance and sing.

When Purple is three, Katniss becomes pregnant again. The same terrified look she had in her eyes while pregnant with Purple is there again. It only goes away when she holds him in her arms. They decide to call him Hunter after the shade of green that Katniss loves. I laugh for days over his name. I swear they were trying to go for the irony. I call him Blue.

Little Blue is almost two years old when Peeta starts feeling sick. At first we all thought it was a cold. One that was lingering. The local doctor can’t find anything wrong with him. Katniss and Peeta decide to head to the Capitol to get a second opinion. I agree to watch the little ones since they are too young to be exposed to that world yet. They are heading out the next afternoon.

The next morning Katniss’ screams wake me up. I race across the road, barely dressed. Haymitch, drunk as usual, is not too far behind me with a knife still in his hand.

“PEETA! PEETA!”

Amber and Hunter are bawling and I only pause to make sure they’re okay. I race up the stairs to their bedroom where Katniss is shaking Peeta with all her might. Only he’s not responding. Her face is distorted in grief and she continues to scream at him to wake up. It takes all of Haymitch’s strength to pull her off while I check him. There’s no pulse and he’s cold. He died in his sleep.

She breaks away from Haymitch, slamming her elbow into his gut. She tries to run back to Peeta but I get in her way. We fight. She blackens my eye and breaks my nose, but I’m able to get my arms around her, pinning her arms. Her hands claw at my back, trying to get away but then they’re trying to pull me closer as she breaks down sobbing into my shoulder.

He’s dead. Peeta Mellark is dead. The whole country mourns but no more so than our little corner. Autopsy showed tumors that had been growing over his body since his time in the Capitol’s torture room. They theorize it’s from overexposure to the tracker jacker venom. One last gift from President Snow. Annie and I are scanned to make sure we also don’t have any lingering side effects. We’re clean.

Katniss vanishes into her own world for a time. Nothing we say or do brings her out of it until her mother arrives. Mrs. Everdeen has been there before and gives Katniss the medicine she couldn’t collect for herself. Our Mockingjay slowly comes back to Earth.

One night, when the mother and daughter were sitting together, I overhear a conversation as I was walking down the hall.

“Mom, I’m so sorry.”

“Katniss, you have nothing to feel sorry for.”

“I hated you after Dad died. For leaving us. I never knew it could feel like this. I never knew. I can’t even bring myself to look at my own babies and I hated you for it. I’m so sorry. So sorry.” Katniss breaks down into sobs again.

Mrs. Everdeen moves back to District 12. The agony in the past is nothing compared to her daughter’s agony now. She has to help take care of the little ones who don’t understand why their Daddy isn’t there baking bread, taking them on walks, or tucking them in at night. They don’t understand why their mother screams louder at night then she ever has before. Her mother tries to sooth her in the dark but it only helps a little. Having Amber and Hunter there doesn’t help at all.

Finally I start sleeping in the bed with her. I sneak in at night and sneak out in the morning before anyone gets up. We had this arrangement once before, when we lived together in District 13.

It started when I had been overcoming my morphling addiction and she had been trying to fix her ribs. Her chest was burning hot to the touch and I was having chills so bad that I couldn’t stop shaking. Ice was a luxury that District 13 didn’t just hand out freely and there was no way I was going to shower. So I got into bed with her without saying a word and wrapped my freezing body around her. She tensed up but slowly relaxed. I didn’t stay in the bed long with her. I was soon overcome with a hot flash and nervous twitching. I still made us go to training in the morning though I felt like dead warmed over.

The next night, I got back into bed with her. She had been screaming again. Katniss woke up, ready to punch me but I hummed a little tune my mother used to hum to me when putting me to sleep. Slowly Katniss fell back to sleep.

The nightmares don’t ever go completely away. You just have to wake the person up and let them know reality is still there. I sleep with Katniss at night and sometimes hold her. I keep her from screaming too long and waking up the whole neighborhood. I get to enjoy the company of holding someone.

I had two flings over the years just to relieve tension. I finally got to explore a woman’s body in District 4, but she wasn’t someone who I could spend my whole life with. There have only been two women who I thought I could do that with: Bethany and Katniss. I knew Annie was only a companion on borrowed time.

I try not to think of the future. I know Katniss will never love anyone again the way she loved Peeta. I know she will never love me but she needs me. I always stay until I’m no longer needed.

A year passes and I still sleep in her room. Sometimes in the middle of the night while we wait for her to fall back to sleep after a nightmare, we whisper pieces of our lives or secrets. It takes time, lots of time, but we soon learn more of each other. One night, she asks me why I voted yes on the new Hunger Games idea. I feel myself flush with shame. It was not one of the best moments of my life.

“I wasn’t in a great mood during that meeting. I think Coin wanted me agitated before I went in there. She made me take a shower and that brought back all the memories of being tortured. I wanted Snow dead and I wanted everyone to pay. So I voted yes. I wouldn’t do it again if I had the choice. Is that when you knew she was as bad as Snow?”

“Yes,” Katniss says, shifting in my hold a bit. “I knew nothing would change so I shot her. It would seem I made the right decision. Sorry I broke my promise to you.”

I shrug as best I can in bed, “He died anyway.”

“Katniss,” I whisper. “I’m going to tell you something I never told anybody before.”

“Okay.”

“When you killed Coin and chaos broke out, I was sitting in front of Enobaria. Everyone around me started racing towards you except her. She was laughing and those fucking golden teeth of hers were shining in the sunlight. I took a knife I had hidden in my uniform in case you didn’t get the job done and slit her throat. Nobody questioned her death too much. A lot of other people died in the chaos.”

Katniss surprises me by chuckling, “Johanna, as soon as I had heard she had died, I knew you were the one to do. Probably everyone knows you did it.”

I feel stupid and suddenly upset she was laughing at me. I shared a secret and she was making fun of me. I start to roll away but she catches hold me, pulling me back against her. “Johanna, she was crazy in a way that even the Capitol doctors couldn’t fix. Her and her fangs would have found a way to disrupt the world we live in now. Right or wrong, you did a necessary thing.”

I try not to shiver as she talks into my ear. So not the time to have feelings of desire. “You know, not all District 2 victors were bad. Lyme was one of the good ones.”

“I met her and she was one of the good ones,” Katniss replies. She tells me the story of how she met her and I tell her the story of how I met her. I can almost feel her blushing when she discovers Lyme was my first.

“Why have you been trying to make me blush since the day I met you?” She huffs, pushing me away. I laugh, “While besides being extremely entertaining maybe I’ve been trying to get you to notice me.”

“I’m not blind, Johanna,” She states very dryly.

“Well I have to wonder. Even Seeder gave me the up-down at least twice in the elevator ride the first time we met. You wouldn’t look past my breasts.”

“Ugg,” Katniss cries out and rolls over. I can tell she’s not too upset and I’m still highly amused. It’s a good moment to fall back to sleep.

More years pass. There are times I think I should leave. Huge fights between Katniss and I that have me packing my bags. I always unpack them by the end of the night, if only for my little colors. One time we’re both so furious that she follows me to my room to watch my pack and continue our fight.

“So you’re just going to pack up and leave huh?”

“That’s right! You obviously don’t need me anymore.”

“I never said that!” She shouts back.

“Then you don’t value my opinion!”

“They’re not your children!”

“You’ve made that obviously clear,” I snarl, stuffing more things in my bag without really knowing what I’m packing. I made some deeply, dark joke in front of the kids that I shouldn’t have. I was in the wrong and I knew it. It was just hard to say I was sorry. It started an avalanche of escalating insults that led us to that moment.

“Where will you go then? Who needs you now?”

That comment hurt and I think she saw it. I shrug, “Doesn’t matter. I’ll see what’s past 13 and just keep going.”

Suddenly Katniss is beside me and her arms are around me. She hugs me tight, “I’m sorry. I need you. I do. Don’t go.”

It’s so stupid to be in love with a straight woman. I would never recommend it to anyone. But years will do things to the heart and I know I need to go before my heart gets any more attached.

“I need to go, Katniss. Sooner or later you’re going to find someone and I can’t bear to do this again.”

She knows what I mean. I told her about Bethany and I’m sure she’s connecting the dots that I am in love with her.

I expect her to push me away or try to talk me into staying regardless of my feelings. I don’t expect her to kiss me. It was a short, light kiss on the lips and she says, “I need you. Now unpack.”

I don’t unpack. I just follow her, shell-shocked. “What the fuck, Katniss?”

She doesn’t speak for a long time, just goes around the house doing chores. Luckily her mom has moved into Peeta’s house and we don’t have an audience for this conversation. Finally she turns around to face me, “Look, I need you. There’s no one else in the world who loves me. Peeta is dead and Gale has moved on. I could never be with him again anyway, not after Prim. They told each other once that I will pick whoever I can’t survive without. That was Peeta and now it’s you.”

She crosses her arms, holding herself at the elbows, and looks away. I don’t know whether to be insulted or thrilled. I end going with confused, “So you’re agreeing to be with me?”

“If that’s what it takes to make you stay,” Katniss said, holding herself tighter. I’m starting to move onto insulted.

“So you’re just going to kiss me like you did Peeta in the arena? Fake it for the cameras? That’s not how relationships are supposed to go,” I bark.

She laughs, rather manically, “When have either of our relationships gone the way they are supposed to go? Look, I’m not without some feelings for you. It took my years to build them with Peeta. Years before the kisses mattered. It can be the same with you.”

That was true. She did come to love Peeta. Maybe she could come to love me. I guess it came down to needing me. She did need me and I needed to be needed. So I stay.

If Katniss expected me to start kissing her more often, she was disappointed. I didn’t want any fake kisses so I never bothered to try. She takes the lead when she realizes I’m not going to. They start off small and chaste, like the ones she gave Peeta at the beginning. I can’t lie and say none of them affected me.

On the 22nd anniversary of the day we took the Capitol and ended the war, we all watched fireworks on TV long after the kids went to sleep. She kissed me longer than ever before. One turned into two. Several minutes pass before I have to get up and leave. We exchange kisses more freely after that. I kiss her after she finishes brushing her teeth in the morning and when we meet up randomly in the woods. She kisses me when I do the dishes and when I put up my axes properly. I kiss her to let her know that her hair looks fine when she cuts it short because she’s tired of having it long.

Purple is almost twelve before Katniss and I make love for the first time. She started it, rolling on top of me and pulling off my nightshirt. I am not surprised she’s demanding in bed. Of course she would be. We show each other what we like because it’s been a very long time for the both of us. She’s never been with a woman but hell, I’m no expert either.

Her hands cling to my back as my own finds its way between her legs. I rub steadily on her clitoris because she’s already so close. Her hands move up and her nails claw deep into my shoulders as she comes for the first time since before Peeta died. I’m a little dumbfounded when she tells me this later. I have always been one to sneak off and masturbate.

She gave just as well as she got. Never one to let a little fear stand in her way; her mouth follows her hands quickly between my legs. My hands bury in her hair while I try to direct her to my clitoris. She makes her way there in due time and I think she’s torturing me on purpose. She was.

No one questions our relationship. It’s just one of those things you accept. Dr. Aurelius always told us to keep going with the motions. ‘Motions of the ocean’ is how I think the phrase goes. This is where the water has brought me.


End file.
